JOKE OF THE WEEK
The Heart Surgeon and the Motorcycle Mechanic
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ...
"Try doing it with the engine running!"
The Biker & the Whore
A road-wary old biker walks into a saloon to have a cold beer after a long, dusty ride. At the end of the bar, he sees a rather good-looking "lady of the evening". She smiles at him and asks if he's looking for a good time. Well, having been some time since his last snarlin' he accepts. After agreeing on a price, she escorts him up to her room and they start humpin'. After about 10 minutes of furious banging the old biker asks:
"So babe, how am I doin'?"
"You're doin' 3 "knots".
"3 knots?.... What's that mean?" replies the biker.
"You're NOT hard, you're NOT in and you're NOT getting your money back!"
There were two guys riding motorcycles on a windy afternoon. One of the guys was complaining because the cold air was blowing into his shirt. His buddy told him to turn his jacket around, so that the collar of the jacket would be at his neck. That way no air could get into his shirt. So that is what he did.
After riding for a while the two men came up on a curve. They were going too fast and they crashed. Witnesses called 911 and rushed to the motorcyclists aid.
When the police arrived, they were doing a report. The police asked a witness if both of the men were deceased when they got to the scene.
"No" the man replied, "The one man was still alive, but by the time we got his head turned around to where it was supposed to be, he was dead!
Watch the signs
• A police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, 'Ma'am, you're driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?"
• And the nun says, 'Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h"
• The officer explains: 'No ma'am, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is Interstate 21."
• Then the police officer look at the passenger and see the other nun shaking like a leaf.
• "Excuse me sister, but what's wrong with your passenger?"
• "Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 205."
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'
'Then I asked my wife Ethel for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'
'We even called up Doreen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the lid off of the jar!!!!!'.
FEW SHORT JOKES
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70 Stuff this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RACV van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You're obviously not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
• A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular biker bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his motorcycle. After trying his keys on five other bikes, he finally found his own bike. He sat on his motorcycle in a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, and again on and off. He started his engine and pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed. "I doubt it," said the man, "You see, tonight I am the designated decoy... I haven't had a drink all day!"
A married couple are in bed reading , when there appeared a bright light at he end of the bed . As the light faded , two aliens could be seen looking at the couple . " do not be afraid " said the male alien " we only wish to mate with you " . Because the aliens were both very good looking the couple agreed , so the guy escorted the female alien into their spare bedroom . His wife began to get down to the task facing her , but after a while the male alien noticed she seemed a little distracted and asked her " is everything ok? " She replied that she normally enjoyed a longer gentleman sausage comapred to the one she was presently facing . Hearing this the alien grasps his right ear & twists it and amazingly his sausage grew longer " is that better ?" he asked " defiantely ! " she answered " but it is normally wider as well " ..... SO the male alien then twists his left ear making his sausage expand sideways until the woman gasped with surprise . They spent all night making love . At the breakfast table , the husband asks his wife did she enjoy the night " OH GOD YES ! , it was amazing .......... how was it for you ?" " Bloody odd " he said " she spent all night twisting my flaming ears "